melodicpsychosi

Just so you know....

When I ask if you're available for a canyon run, I'm not looking to just have some fun driving the curves...I'm trying to plan around a friend's schedule because I need someone to talk to that I can trust.

When I call late at night asking where you are and what you're doing, I'm not being your mom and checking up on you...I am thinking that you were counting on me, and I'm not one to leave a friend hanging.

When you randomly see me hanging out with someone you currently hate, I'm not passively aggressively trying to piss you off... I'm just hanging out with the person who called to see how I was doing.

When I shun your attempt to approach me when I'm obviously upset, it is not an implication that you are the reason I'm upset....but I am hurt that you didn't notice until I found someone else to talk to.

And when I stop calling, It's not my way of saying that I hate you or that I'm mad at you...I just don't have the emotional reserves to continue with any more one way friendships.

I have been on-again-off-again ill for over two weeks now and it is not fun, especially since it's not an obvious cold or virus. I hope I am finally on my way out because I feel okay today. It was an odd mix of nausea (but never actually being sick), muscle aches and a pounding headache that would come and go on a daily basis, and I think they were all separate. Still had achiness until I finally ate some red meat yesterday so I think I've neglected to keep up on a protein my body is really used to. And my headache faded today when I got a soda for lunch...maybe I was in caffeine withdrawals by trying to be healthy and drink gator aid and stay away from energy drinks that had become a staple in my diet. The nausea has faded, but I think the reason I had it was that I've been holding on to a lot of stress lately.
In supervision today I let loose with all my apprehension about being a therapist and with my supervisor we kinda came to the awareness that I am dealing with some identity issues between all this family chaos, friend drama and work being all over the place too. And add to that that I'm realizing that I barreled through school without finding out if I really do like the standard 50 min therapy session or not. I just want to feel better and stay that way...

So, I've figured out what I don't want in relationships, but I can't have what I think I want.
What I want right now is occupied in another relationship. Not one that will last since I'm already hearing that he needs to frequently go have some time to talk to her because hes in trouble again. I'm guessing it's a good thing I'm not trying for anything right now, he doesn't seem to be ready for a mature relationship.
But I'm lonely and don't want to wait around. Problem is, I'm really picky now. I want to be more vain now and be with someone that I am really attracted to, which is kinda rare for me, but above that I know now what real compatibility is. And apparently I'm a tough person to get along with... I really lucked out at Chapman as far as friends are concerned.
I want someone that I am comfortable with, can just hang out and laugh with. Someone I can cuddle with, and quite honestly make-out with. It's been a very long time since I've done that.

So the trip was amazing... I love Oregon, and the bits of Washington I got to see. It was truly a relief to be away from drama, and in a place that is green. I got to be in real rain, learn fun, quirky and dark history, I got to see a voodoo donut and an old old friend. I got to sit and read simply because it was what I wanted to and I got to go line dancing in a bar that had peanuts on the floor... and I got to see what Joe looks like when he is just content and happy.

I promise more details will come, but it was a long day of travel for only having a 2hr flight, and I have work and class tomorrow.

Just finished packing for my oregon trip...
Very excited to go see my Jenna, and probably gonna get to see one of my high school best friends that I haven't seen in years. I'm excited to catch up with people that still mean so much to me even though I haven't seen them in a while.... I've been getting to do that a lot lately and it's been uplifiting so far. Excited to get out of orange county, excited to get a few days break from Starbucks drama, excited to just spend a few days without piles of obligations...
But with who I'm going with I'm nervous, or maybe just apprehencious. I know what I want, I want to go after it like I do with everything else I want... but I'm too afraid it will backfire. I don't mind just sitting back and being patient if there is a possibility, but I don't even know that. He said yes to going to Prom with the friend that likes him. (which makes me feel very old since my prom was years ago). I don't know what the next five days will hold. I don't know if anything will happen at all besides good times with good friends...
Here's to an adventure

So I am still feeding off the fun and relaxation of Sunday. Thank you for reminding me that it doesn't have to be effort and work to be around friends. I love you all

So, yesterday was wholly devoted to a trip up to Sacramento and back (for Victoria: thats 6hours up and 6 hours back) as co-pilot for Joe. Very interesting 16 hours. Inspired by our group we played Random Questions for about 5 hours on the way up and I got to find out how highly he thinks of me. Apparently he sees me as wholesome as cherry pie, as fun but functional as an suv and as sweet, gentle and protective as a momma bear. I was blushing for most of that 5 hours. I got to tell him a bit of how amazing I think he is too.
I want this to go somewhere, but I'm not in a rush for it, and hearing him answer questions like what kind of pie would I be in such a descriptive uplifting way makes me think that he might too. But at dinner we got to talking about our other friends and the faults that are getting them in trouble. He asked me about his and I ended up backed into a corner. Since I like him the way I do I am trying so hard not to let myself think about how I could help him change... don't want to ruin this by turning him into a client. I've told him that I like him, but hes made it clear he doesn't want to be a boyfriend right now. When he kept pushing to find out what I thought his flaw was, I kept dancing around it. I couldn't figure out a way of saying that I won't let myself go there because I don't want to put myself in a mindset that has ruined my other relationships. I eventually told him that I need him to be the friend I don't have to fix, because I want to be the friend he doesn't have to fix.

On the way home things got a little weird though. Throughout the trip I was seeing tons of Swift trucks, which is the company my Uncle Duane drove for until he passed away. At one point, just a little ways outside of Sacramento he saw the rear end of a truck trailer on the road, just sitting there like the driver had pulled off to sleep, but when we got to where it looked like he was parked there was nothing there. That kinda tripped me out, and I just started thinking about my uncle. A few minutes later Joe asked me to describe my uncle and when I did his face went pale. Apparently he had gotten this image of two guys standing talking to each other, and I had just perfectly described one of them. Then he asked me about the guy that looked like he was an off duty military officer, about 3 inches taller than the other guy with a trucker hat on and it was my turn to go pale. That was my grandpa. What is really weirding me out is that this is the 5 year anniversary of both of their deaths. I don't know where to take this, but I miss them.

If You Ruled the Land . . . by wackyweasel
Your first name:
How you gained your rule:	Military coup, of course! They never saw it coming . . .Walked in and took the throne while they were at lunchRightful heir!!Strategic poisoning . . .Mind controlAsked for it really nicely, 'pretty please'No idea . . .
Your title is:	Your Highness - mmm grandeur!
Your symbol is:	the lion, for power and pure badass
You rule from:	a clear, crystalline palace, and change in the basement
At your side is:	your royal mirror-carrier and makeup crew
Your enforcers, troops, and guards are all:	archers with mad skillz
Your most popular law is:	No more speakers on cars that rattle windows of homes
Your least popular law is:	Electro-shock collars for stupid people
Your worst enemy is:	those awful clashing tapestries in your great hall
Your popularity rating is:: 85%
Your chance of being overthrown is:: 69%
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Find your Celestial Choir

Life is complex...
So many changes have occured in this past month, it's been such a whirlwind. Jason is finally out. I know where he is but I don't care. It's surreal for me to say that. I don't think I have the capacity to actually hate someone, the closest I can come is to not care. But in actuality I think that creates more distance than hate. Hate stems from refusing to see that the other person has their own point of view, where as not caring means just that, you don't give a fuck if they have a point of view at all. I'm tired of thinking of all the wrongs he did by me, tired of thinking about all the things that went wrong in my life because of him. Partially because I know for a fact that those things apply to what I did to him, but mostly because I am done with caring. From now on, instead of viewing it as injustices done, I choose to see things as lessons learned.
I have a temporary roomate. Ashley, the friend of Andrew's that asked me out was in a tough situation, so she is now out on the couch, but actually paying rent. Things may be interesting for a while since we hang out literally everyday...if we get on eachother's nerves we may end up SOL on finding some time to back off and cool down.
I miss my friends though. Well, Andrews friends are mine now too, and we hang out daily, but I saw ben the other da and I just miss that history that's been built. I want to hang out, but as Skimpy can testify my minimal schedule seems to be getting in the way. And our group doesn't seem to just hang out like Andrew's group does, we wait till there is something to do...and since I'm not much of a gamer I don't get included in the regularly scheduled stuff. That is my fault, but I'm just not that into it. So, please, if you plan anything make sure to let me know...or if you want me to plan something, again let me know. I want to see you.
I am happy with Andrew. We've already used the big "L" word, but more than any time before I feel that this is based on a sturdier base than the heady emotions I've based it on in the past. It's more about who he is than how he makes me feel. I still feel like I'm in reality since he has his moments where he is incredibly annoying(he doesn't let up with the tickling!), and there are definitly aspects that I don't like(like his need for speed). As wierd as it sounds I love him because he loves Bishop, but honestly just typing that I get misty eyes. I love the idea of my hometown I identify with the spirit of the area. So when his eyes light up as he's talking about it, I feel like I get to see him light up like he's talking about me. Wierd, I know. But I also love his humor...it's so exaggerated and he is so obviously having so much fun that I can't help but laugh, even if I'm pissed. And I can be honest with him. It's still hard for me to say what I want and what is really bothering me. But I am making an effort because I want this to last. And each time I tell him something that is hard for me to, he responds in a way that really showes me that he cares even if the outcome isn't exactly what I wanted. And that feels really mature to me. But wwhat makes it really feel like it will last is that I feel like I can stand up for and assert myself without feeling like I am imposing on him or out of line. I'm just happy:)

AAAAHHHHH!!!!
I am so over this job, and I know I say this a lot, but tonight was just so much more hectic than it needed to be.
It was awesome having Jake there, he helped me out so much, but I don't know the first thing about training, so I felt like he was just following me around or getting refills all night.
And, since Juan doesn't understand the schedule, he somehow managed to have someone cover Christina's station since she was sick, but still left us a station short...WHAT THE HELL????
I just don't quite have the nerve to leave since I just got Jake hired, and I think if I quit with everyone else (ie just after christmas) Juan will have to close norms for graveyard or have a ton of people working 12 hour days, and I can't quite bring myself to make people work that much. And if he closes the restaurant,Jose (the cook I adore), Manny, Jessie (busboys) and Christina (the server I love) will both lose hours they really need...and I don't want to do that either
What I really want is something that is just a job....and what I have right now has too much responsibility.
Thanks for letting me vent!

Your Fortune Is

Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion.

yeah, so I know you guys see me all the time and probably don't need much updating... but I'm really happy to be seeing Jason actually go to work. He's almost done with his first week and to my knowledge has not called in sick or anything, and he had a friend over the other day. It may've been really awkward but it's re-eea--ally (sorry Dr. Cox thing) helping with that little guilt bug I seem to perpertually have over my shoulder where relationships are concerned.
Oh, and yay....I will SO be at that party on Saturday (I will need directions directly to Skimpy's though, unless someone wants to carpool)!! Ian was awesome and I am scheduled from 12 to like 7 (I think...may be off at 6!), and since he's got me coming in at 12, I have Fri off!!! Since it will be my first weekend off after finals, might as well pack it with as much fun as possible! I'm hoping Tommy (new cute guy) will call sometime this week, so we can arrange something for Fri before I get guilted into working a short shift for someone.
Awww crap, already 3pm...just woke up and have to start my longest day of the week...

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! Last Saturday I helped manaday see the light (8 points). Last Monday I donated bone marrow to triggur in a life-saving procedure (300 points). Last Thursday I gave change to a homeless guy (19 points). In May I pulled vpatrician's hair (-5 points). Last Sunday I put gum in triggur's hair (-12 points). Overall, I've been nice (310 points). For Christmas I deserve an Easy-Bake Oven! Sincerely, melodicpsychosi

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Kay, I am offically sick of this. Since this is a new account, I'll give a brief run down of events.

Stage 1

Guy and I started dating when I was 17. Continued dating all through my 3 years as undergrad. I freak out during my last semester under the pressures of finishing all the requirements for graduation and trying to find a place off campus. Convinced I can't support myself, and not finding any available roommates I convince guy to move in with me....baaaaad idea. Turns out the guy and I have been pretty incompatable for a very long time....After 1 month living together he initiates a break-up that while I rebel against, actually think its for the better.

Stage 2

Since we signed a lease together until next may (and I don't know how easy it is to take a name off the lease) we decided to try and tough it out as roommates or friends or something. He has a job for a month or so, so I pay for rent, utilities, food, etc... Life kinda goes okay through most of the summer...a few big fights, but still hanging out pretty frequently, even buy disneyland passes together (well I did with graduation gift money). But then grad school to get my Masters in Psychology starts, and I begin to realize I'm not a very emotionally healthy person (call it undifferentiated, the pursuer, the overachiever to his underachievement or whatever other psychological term you want to say that I suck). Slowly I begin to realize what a bad situation living with your ex is, but don't know how to handle the situation.

Stage 3

One random sunday night I get off my serving job early. Cute boy that I sorta know is there eating, and I think out loud while talking to him that I want to do something with my time off, but that I know I will just end up going home and watching tv till I go to bed anyways. He offers to hang out, so we do... I stay up to talk to people online, but take a short nap before class...stupidly leaving the windows open. Guy finds when he gets up...ignores me when I wake up for class. When I get back we get into a huge argument and I finally tell him to move out.

Stage 4

So yeah...I'm not a complete bitch, so after some fighting, some expression of fears and some calming down I decide I can handle giving him some time to save up for a deposit and 1st months rent, since he finally got another job. And I've decided that since I don't want to repeat the past, that while I want to see and get to know cute guy it would be really really stupid to get into a relationship right now. And that's where life is right now. And since that wasn't as brief as I thought it would be, since I'm tired and since he is now up and sitting behind me I will finish the I'm sick of this part later today.